I 'liked' this, but I didn't. It was horrible! A great horror story that reminds me why I don't ever read horror stories. Don't have the stomach for it. Poor Magda though.
thanks keith! i read it to my fiancee last night and she was....
why werent they more bothered about all the shit coming out of the toilets? you wouldnt be able to mop that up...youd have to get industrial pumps in...and why has he got to have sandwiches all the time? and why would they go for beer when theres all that cleaning up? and what... there was a skeleton in the toilet? how did that get there...and why would they not be more horrified... and how did it speak English if it was locked in a septic tank all its life...
There's another spanner I could throw in for good measure, because we have a septic tank, which, ironically and somewhat disturbingly, has not been opened since we arrived 15 years ago, and the house had been unoccupied for many years prior to that. After several years of being here, though, we started using these sachets of bio-enzyme stuff which we shove down the loo on a monthly basis.
Oddly enough, we've hardly had any supernatural occurrences since.
Oh, and our garden is littered with the graves of our previous animal companions which passed away over those last 15 years.
We'll probably be buried here too.
I'd not visit if I were you.
Hmm - there's more. The commune/village has its own communal septic tank now, which is down a little path on the opposite side of the street to us. In the other direction, up the hill, is the cemetery.
I don't really write horror stories. Which is perhaps silly when I think about it, seeing as I am living in the perfect locale for it. I have a little video I did of what it looks like in the dark walking through the house in a thunder and lightning storm. And there are cobwebs all over the place.
Did I mention I'm a goth, btw?
It sort of goes without saying I thought your story was exceptional.
Excellent storytelling, Nick! The tension was perfectly played. The atmosphere painted dark and dreadful. I even feel sad for the poor, abandoned thing. Well done.
I have been reflecting on a more uplifting ending where the sister is reunited with mother and poor magda lives... i feel now that this would be more powerful and horrifying in a different way... the lure of gore was too much and clouded my judgement! still everyone seems to like it so I am a very happy chappy
Of course. I had loads of fun in the last one getting around the fantasy stories. Also discovered a few new names. But seriously, I wish you all the best with this.
im thinking it would have been more sinister and sad rather than just MONSTER KILL MONSTER EAT if Jean had not died and Elijah had found her nursing the weird hybrid beast at her breast.. reunited... and that she had been trapped in the septic tank for 70 years eating rats and etc... and then magda wouldnt need to have died. poor innocent magda all she did was be Happy and feed people. she deserved to live.
The ending you currently have is definitely more dark and grim and effective as is. But I do like the idea of the mother and daughter being reunited and Magda surviving. Maybe because I’m a mom and softie at heart. I could see that being very powerful indeed.
im thinking it might not be clear what the thing is... the last line is the thing asking Elijah if he is mother...not him asking it if it's mother... what was your take on it that..
. i did originally write it:
"Mother?" it said, in a voice like drowning.
but then I thought just "Mother?" was better but now maybe its not clear?
It is not clear. I assumed the narrator was speaking. The thing is his 'sister' (the thing birthed after him), right? I thought he, recognizing some sort of familial presence and only knowing Jean, guessed wrong. As he was the only speaking character in that scene and with no other tag I just assumed it was him.
yah...the thing is his sister... i should have kept the original line... my mentals was... it came to the room and foind magda... she wasnt mother... then it finds him.and asks... mother?
i need that extra few words at the end don't i... well i might just leave it 😃
maybe also I should have had elijah look up so he could see it more clearly ...and give us more image...
The original line, "Mother?" it said, in a voice like drowning," is good, but I get where your head is at with the last line being a single, isolated word of dialogue. Feels powerful. I think you can maybe rework it a little and tag "Mother" at the preceding paragraph?
Nick! This is incredible! I was utterly transfixed, and at the end simply moaning in horror. Probably my favorite thing I’ve read recently, and I’ve been reading some stellar stories. Absolutely beautifully done.
OMG! Yes. I need the movie right now. You should read Lone Woman by Victor LaValle.
i need to check that reference.!
yes it would be good on film. that house innthe photo is clouding my mind as to how the film would look however... very interesting building that.
and thank you for reading and taking time to comment. 😁
I 'liked' this, but I didn't. It was horrible! A great horror story that reminds me why I don't ever read horror stories. Don't have the stomach for it. Poor Magda though.
yes poor magda!
That was brilliant, Nick! Loved all the little details, and a genuinely terrifying finish 💀💚
Thanks Stephen! so pleased you took your time to read this thing whixh ended up ridix long. 😀
It is rather long for a short story, but some of mine are nearly 10,000 words so don't worry! Well worth the effort 👍🏻
What a ride. The atmosphere of unease is so pervasive — like I was waiting for you to slam down the other shoe lol no disappointments
thanks keith! i read it to my fiancee last night and she was....
why werent they more bothered about all the shit coming out of the toilets? you wouldnt be able to mop that up...youd have to get industrial pumps in...and why has he got to have sandwiches all the time? and why would they go for beer when theres all that cleaning up? and what... there was a skeleton in the toilet? how did that get there...and why would they not be more horrified... and how did it speak English if it was locked in a septic tank all its life...
all good points...
i might have to re write it haha!
There's another spanner I could throw in for good measure, because we have a septic tank, which, ironically and somewhat disturbingly, has not been opened since we arrived 15 years ago, and the house had been unoccupied for many years prior to that. After several years of being here, though, we started using these sachets of bio-enzyme stuff which we shove down the loo on a monthly basis.
Oddly enough, we've hardly had any supernatural occurrences since.
Oh, and our garden is littered with the graves of our previous animal companions which passed away over those last 15 years.
We'll probably be buried here too.
I'd not visit if I were you.
Hmm - there's more. The commune/village has its own communal septic tank now, which is down a little path on the opposite side of the street to us. In the other direction, up the hill, is the cemetery.
I don't really write horror stories. Which is perhaps silly when I think about it, seeing as I am living in the perfect locale for it. I have a little video I did of what it looks like in the dark walking through the house in a thunder and lightning storm. And there are cobwebs all over the place.
Did I mention I'm a goth, btw?
It sort of goes without saying I thought your story was exceptional.
why thank you Evelyn!
septic tanks more prevalent than perhaps people realise... what might dwell in them...
Haha I get a lot of that type of critique from my wife lol
Excellent storytelling, Nick! The tension was perfectly played. The atmosphere painted dark and dreadful. I even feel sad for the poor, abandoned thing. Well done.
thank you Lindsey!
I have been reflecting on a more uplifting ending where the sister is reunited with mother and poor magda lives... i feel now that this would be more powerful and horrifying in a different way... the lure of gore was too much and clouded my judgement! still everyone seems to like it so I am a very happy chappy
This was sooo good! Great mystery and tension and reveal.
Thank you Shawn. delighted it's hitting the spot!
Jesus. This was great, Nick. Had me recoiling for most of it 😅 Gross, gross, gross.
thank you hanna! so glad u appreciate the grossness!
It has stuck with me all day. Wow.
Nick, if you or Keith Long don't win, I'll be surprised.
its not the winning... its the taking part. ive read about a dozen entries. theyre all good! keiths is eye popping!
Of course. I had loads of fun in the last one getting around the fantasy stories. Also discovered a few new names. But seriously, I wish you all the best with this.
Nice, Nick. Real nice. ✨
thank you Sean 😎
Such dark, atmospheric horror, dripping in dread. Very well done. You may have a winner here, Nick!
Thank you so much Garen!😀
today im thinking of a totally different ending... im my own worst enemy!
The ending is pretty great as is but I’m intrigued nonetheless.
im thinking it would have been more sinister and sad rather than just MONSTER KILL MONSTER EAT if Jean had not died and Elijah had found her nursing the weird hybrid beast at her breast.. reunited... and that she had been trapped in the septic tank for 70 years eating rats and etc... and then magda wouldnt need to have died. poor innocent magda all she did was be Happy and feed people. she deserved to live.
The ending you currently have is definitely more dark and grim and effective as is. But I do like the idea of the mother and daughter being reunited and Magda surviving. Maybe because I’m a mom and softie at heart. I could see that being very powerful indeed.
i might have to write a different version... its drawing me back into the septic tank...
I’m here for it!
Heartbreaking, terrifying, in parts strangely beautiful. Good luck to you in the contest, but I think this story's a winner!
thank you jeannine! 😁
You are most welcome, Nick.
Great story.
Thanks FranB
Reading this was the best way to start my day. Jean is such a good character, and I loved the last line!
hey MP
im thinking it might not be clear what the thing is... the last line is the thing asking Elijah if he is mother...not him asking it if it's mother... what was your take on it that..
. i did originally write it:
"Mother?" it said, in a voice like drowning.
but then I thought just "Mother?" was better but now maybe its not clear?
I got it, I figured it was his "twin" sister, searching for her mother.
It is not clear. I assumed the narrator was speaking. The thing is his 'sister' (the thing birthed after him), right? I thought he, recognizing some sort of familial presence and only knowing Jean, guessed wrong. As he was the only speaking character in that scene and with no other tag I just assumed it was him.
yah...the thing is his sister... i should have kept the original line... my mentals was... it came to the room and foind magda... she wasnt mother... then it finds him.and asks... mother?
i need that extra few words at the end don't i... well i might just leave it 😃
maybe also I should have had elijah look up so he could see it more clearly ...and give us more image...
The original line, "Mother?" it said, in a voice like drowning," is good, but I get where your head is at with the last line being a single, isolated word of dialogue. Feels powerful. I think you can maybe rework it a little and tag "Mother" at the preceding paragraph?
Brilliant from start to finish.
thank you so much! 😄
Should always give credit where credit is due :)
thats my mantra too!
I was cringing at the end! Great job!
Thank you for reading my story - and glad it had the desired effect at the end! mwoohahah
not my normal purview of genre, but nick, it is clear you are a talent, well done. very well done.
Thank you so much Clancy 🙏 delighted it held your attention and it means a lot to me that you would read it and say those kind words.
. all from a comment someone made about a septic tank on substack too! whooda thunk it!
Nick! This is incredible! I was utterly transfixed, and at the end simply moaning in horror. Probably my favorite thing I’ve read recently, and I’ve been reading some stellar stories. Absolutely beautifully done.