yes it was...but it was no longer just a thing...it was also the person who's brain it had been inside juuuuust a bit too long....the driver was no longer at the wheel...he was now the exotic...
Yeah - I sort of worked that out in the final scene when it was in the juicer.
To begin with I thought you were describing the world from a newly birthed maggot. Then there were legs and stuff so I thought no it's a fly. Then it gets more exotic than that. Then turns sci-fi. Very well done indeed with all those POV changes. I like the nonchalant undertones from the woman as well, who despite working with something so monstrous is entirely clinical to the point of disinterest, thinking more about sandwiches and sex. And I like the way the bloke sort of comes around to her side.
That was a really, really well executed story. I still have a smile on my face.
Ok, I like the second ending better because I just couldn’t stand the exotic getting juiced. That first horrific ending may have been “better” (whatever that means) from a literary viewpoint…crueler and less foreseen, perhaps? But, my heart still loves this second ending more. Plus, now that the exotic has found a new host, the possibilities unfold for more of its story! If it gets juiced, that’s pretty much it.
Ah haaa! thank you for reading again... it was just a tiny change but I did think it was better....more sinister in a way and more true to Franklin being a bit of a soft soul!
Yes! It was truer to Franklin’s character…now I wonder how the two of them (he and the exotic), AND the former host, will all go on together…more stories?
My method for coping with this kind of exotic squirmy monstrosity cosmic horrorshow stuff is to read it like it's a humour story. Works with Lovecraft.
So, you get top marks from me for making me both squirm and smile at the same time. That's first class writing that is.
Good story. Another one that makes me glad to be a vegetarian! Gotta say though, I would have sucked at that job. That little "exotic" critter would have been in my pocket and snuck out to freedom before they could say "squeeeee" - poor little guy...
hey garen. this story uses an idea I had some time back and sort of sits in the same world as one of my first posts..."You're never Alone"...there are a couple of nods to that earlier story here...i do intend to go back to it and write a series...never intended to follow this one up though... but who knows!
Man, that was creepy. It reminded me of those things that crawl into peoples' ears in Star Trek II: The Wraith of Khan, except weirder and more disturbing.
thanks for reading my story and yes of course! wrath of khan! omg! good shout! the concept of things inside the body always gets me... this exotic thing...ive got a series planned for it although slightly different from this story...chapter 1 is on my stack... one of my early pieces..."You're never alone"
Well, this was a real wincer, because it made me wince on several levels. I wasn't just concerned that this parasite might crawl into the protagonist's skull, but by the end I felt for the parasite and didn't want it to get blended. Then there was the chicken sandwich and propositions for sex. Keep on stacking those winces.
Well this was the perfect way to pass time in A&e - something most visceral and sticky from Mr Winney - there is a comedy in the tragedy - and I enjoyed the juxtaposition of the transactional sex and the transactional birth of the exotic - its saying something- I feel you could dig deeper with the protagonist’s response - they are new so not yet numb to it- but a
I did bang this out in an afternoon but as i have reflected on it i think a slightly different ending would have been been better and one that hits the point you made full on
…and the opening lines are still not quite right…but all the same. i like it. i give myself a 7/10
I like it to and would have gone for 7.5 - and there is no reason why you can’t revisit in the future when you are putting together your short story collection
so in the revised edit…im thinking Franklin is too sentimental to bliz the exotic and he opens the lid… fade to closing scene and hes back in the lab…asking ANNIE if shes finished with the chicken sandwich…ya get me? would have been a better story I think.
I dread to think what kind of personality the exotic had taken on board, with all those faculties it seemed to display and all of its eyes and arms and hands and legs.
Beautifully scientifically creepy! It reminded me of Brave New World, and all those foetuses in artificial womb jars, just waiting to be exploited determined by their classes. But much more violent.
yes it was...but it was no longer just a thing...it was also the person who's brain it had been inside juuuuust a bit too long....the driver was no longer at the wheel...he was now the exotic...
Yeah - I sort of worked that out in the final scene when it was in the juicer.
To begin with I thought you were describing the world from a newly birthed maggot. Then there were legs and stuff so I thought no it's a fly. Then it gets more exotic than that. Then turns sci-fi. Very well done indeed with all those POV changes. I like the nonchalant undertones from the woman as well, who despite working with something so monstrous is entirely clinical to the point of disinterest, thinking more about sandwiches and sex. And I like the way the bloke sort of comes around to her side.
That was a really, really well executed story. I still have a smile on my face.
it absolutely makes me purr like a cat that you read my stuff and "get it".
Oh, nooo! The exotic! This was horrible on several levels, you diabolical mastermind!
Ok, I like the second ending better because I just couldn’t stand the exotic getting juiced. That first horrific ending may have been “better” (whatever that means) from a literary viewpoint…crueler and less foreseen, perhaps? But, my heart still loves this second ending more. Plus, now that the exotic has found a new host, the possibilities unfold for more of its story! If it gets juiced, that’s pretty much it.
Ah haaa! thank you for reading again... it was just a tiny change but I did think it was better....more sinister in a way and more true to Franklin being a bit of a soft soul!
glad you liked it better 😁
Yes! It was truer to Franklin’s character…now I wonder how the two of them (he and the exotic), AND the former host, will all go on together…more stories?
My method for coping with this kind of exotic squirmy monstrosity cosmic horrorshow stuff is to read it like it's a humour story. Works with Lovecraft.
So, you get top marks from me for making me both squirm and smile at the same time. That's first class writing that is.
Good story. Another one that makes me glad to be a vegetarian! Gotta say though, I would have sucked at that job. That little "exotic" critter would have been in my pocket and snuck out to freedom before they could say "squeeeee" - poor little guy...
but…you don't know whose brain he was in…who the exotic had become…
this creature is something i dreamed up before…and it has appeared elsewhere… mwoohahahah
Oh, now I have to figure this one out.... 🤔
There's a reason why bleedinghearts like me will never rule the earth. The poor yucky thing was screaming for help!
Disturbing and yet I'm intrigued! Looking forward to how this story unfolds.
hey garen. this story uses an idea I had some time back and sort of sits in the same world as one of my first posts..."You're never Alone"...there are a couple of nods to that earlier story here...i do intend to go back to it and write a series...never intended to follow this one up though... but who knows!
Ah, okay I’m not sure where I got the idea that this story was a multi parter - maybe just wishful thinking!
most of mine do have many parts, as you know!
Man, that was creepy. It reminded me of those things that crawl into peoples' ears in Star Trek II: The Wraith of Khan, except weirder and more disturbing.
thanks for reading my story and yes of course! wrath of khan! omg! good shout! the concept of things inside the body always gets me... this exotic thing...ive got a series planned for it although slightly different from this story...chapter 1 is on my stack... one of my early pieces..."You're never alone"
Well, this was a real wincer, because it made me wince on several levels. I wasn't just concerned that this parasite might crawl into the protagonist's skull, but by the end I felt for the parasite and didn't want it to get blended. Then there was the chicken sandwich and propositions for sex. Keep on stacking those winces.
Thanks trevor! mission accomplished. im actually going to rewrite this...i rushed it out and theres a better line for the end. even more wince...
This is excellent, I read it twice
thanks keith! 😎
I’m thinking I might do a reading of this one next month, idk! Haven’t picked yet lol
that would be a huge honour!
i think the first part would be a challenge for any reader!
also i did kinda wanna re write it a touch. first line not quite right and a slightly different ending came to mind.
I do love a challenge!
Well this was the perfect way to pass time in A&e - something most visceral and sticky from Mr Winney - there is a comedy in the tragedy - and I enjoyed the juxtaposition of the transactional sex and the transactional birth of the exotic - its saying something- I feel you could dig deeper with the protagonist’s response - they are new so not yet numb to it- but a
Most visual feast and very much enjoyed.
that’s very astute of you sir….
I did bang this out in an afternoon but as i have reflected on it i think a slightly different ending would have been been better and one that hits the point you made full on
…and the opening lines are still not quite right…but all the same. i like it. i give myself a 7/10
I like it to and would have gone for 7.5 - and there is no reason why you can’t revisit in the future when you are putting together your short story collection
indeed sir!
so in the revised edit…im thinking Franklin is too sentimental to bliz the exotic and he opens the lid… fade to closing scene and hes back in the lab…asking ANNIE if shes finished with the chicken sandwich…ya get me? would have been a better story I think.
I dread to think what kind of personality the exotic had taken on board, with all those faculties it seemed to display and all of its eyes and arms and hands and legs.
Beautifully scientifically creepy! It reminded me of Brave New World, and all those foetuses in artificial womb jars, just waiting to be exploited determined by their classes. But much more violent.
Thanks Zivah! delighted to have entertained you!
This was a great piece of writing! Great storytelling and pacing. Keep writing, fellow writer!
Thanks Pages! love that you enjoyed this. i did bang it out in an afternoon ans re reading it, it could do with some tweaks but always the way.
really appreciate you spending time to gimme some feedback 😃